This recording features the Sunday Talk portion of the service. For the full service watch here.
Who I Am Reflects How I Am – Rev. Roderick Norton
DESCRIPTION
Who we are on the inside reflects how we express ourselves on the outside. Relationships are mirrors that allow us to see that how we view the world reflects how we view ourselves. The more we can uncover our parts, remove our masks, and be authentically ourselves, the more we are able to see the divine in everyone we meet. What would my life be like if I was authentically myself in every relationship?
SUMMARY
This sermon explores how authentic selfhood, healthy boundaries, and inner trust are essential to healing and transforming relationships, drawing on the book *What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World*. Centered on the question, “What would my life be like if I was authentically myself in every relationship?”, it teaches that many people live from a “survival identity” formed to avoid emotional pain, rejection, shame, abandonment, or trauma, rather than from their God-given true self. Common survival identities such as the people pleaser, caretaker, controller, and invisible person are described, along with personal stories illustrating how fear and the desire for acceptance lead to masking one’s authentic self. Healing is framed not as creating a new identity but as releasing fear-based identities and remembering oneself as a divine expression of God, expressed through speaking truth with love, allowing oneself to be seen, and ceasing to perform for acceptance.
The sermon then defines boundaries as “the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously,” emphasizing that healthy boundaries reset power dynamics, protect peace, energy, and sacred selfhood, and allow love to flow wisely without limitless access. A narrative about the author’s breakfast with her father illustrates how listening to the body’s signals can reveal relational limits and guide boundary-setting that honors both self-care and continued love. Finally, trust is presented as beginning within: trusting God’s indwelling wisdom, trusting one’s intuition as the “still small voice” of the divine, and recognizing that while people may disappoint, the God within is always enough to guide, protect, and sustain. When authenticity shapes identity, boundaries protect peace, and trust anchors relationships, individuals move from living out of old wounds to living from spiritual wholeness in all their relationships.
TRANSCRIPTION
This transcription was auto-generated, please excuse typos, errors and omissions.
Rev. Roderick Norton:
You guys have such an awesome musical ministry here, musical team here. And let’s appreciate that. Not only do you guys have such a powerful musical team here, but you have a powerful leadership team here. Let’s give the leadership team a round of applause. It’s good to be here. It’s a wonderful day to be here. And I’m excited about this lesson, this sermon this morning. And I don’t know if I’m going to give you guys the oomph that Rob said, but I’m going to give you guys some information, okay? It’s always good to be here. And reading and working with this book, what it takes to heal, how transforming ourselves can change the world, it gave me some new insight on some stuff. And I hope that as you are going through this lesson series this month, that you’re receiving some new insight on some things as well.
The topic for this morning is what I am reflects how I am. And the central question that we want to work with this morning is what would my life be like if I was authentically myself in every relationship? I find that would be a very powerful question, very powerful question. I think it’s a question that maybe many of us have probably have asked ourselves through the course of our life is if I had authentically had been myself, what would this particular relationship be like or what would have this relationship have been like?
Have you ever just sort of like talked to yourself in your head and you go through what you wish you would have said? You know what I’m saying? But you did not necessarily say or you did not necessarily do what you really want to say or what you really wanted to do because of your concern for the other person. So we work with this question on this morning, what would my life be like if I was authentically myself in every relationship? And when we talk about relationships, we’re not just talking about relationships between man, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. We’re talking about all kind of relationships. Whether it’s a workplace relationship, whether it’s a friendship, we’re talking about all types of relationships.
So the relationships we experience are often a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. Many of us in our relationships wearing masks. Instead of bringing our authentic selves, we become who we think others need us to be rather than who God created us to be. Have you ever brought your other self to a relationship? Every relationship ask one fundamental question. Who are you bringing into this relationship? Who are you bringing into this relationship? Well, when we talk about what it takes to heal, healing is not simply improving our relationships. It is transforming the consciousness we bring into them. What am I bringing into this? What consciousness, what mindset am I bringing into this relationship? This is part of the whole healing aspect. So when we change who we are being, we change how we are relating. Who I am always reflects how I am.
I want to bring out three points mainly this morning. One on authenticity, one on boundaries and one on trust that the author sort of points out in the book. And the first point that I want to bring out concerning this main question of what would my life be like if I was authentically myself in a relationship? I want to bring out this first point of authenticity. Living from your true self, living from your true self. Authenticity is the courage to live from your God given identity instead of your survival identity. Many of us have found ourselves, and maybe you’re not there yet, maybe you have advanced to just always living out of your true self, but somewhere along the line and maybe some people are still in this survival identity mode right now where the survival identity is who you became to stay emotionally safe.
Who you became to stay emotionally safe. A survival identity is the version of yourself that you unconsciously create to protect yourself from emotional pain, from rejection, from shame, from abandonment or trauma. It is not your authentic self. It’s the self you develop to survive difficult experiences. Have you ever been in the survival identity? I know most of you right now are in the authentic self, but have you ever experienced the survival identity phase of life? For the survival identity ask, who do I avoid? The survival identity asks, how do I avoid getting hurt? Because none of us want to be hurt, do we? So the survival identity asks, how do I avoid getting hurt? How do I get people to accept me? How do I stay in control? You see, as children, we naturally seek love, safety and belonging. These are things when we’re a child, when we’re children, we naturally sought that.
We were seeking love, safety and belonging. When those needs are threatened, we adapt. We make unconscious decisions such as if I’m perfect, people won’t criticize me. If I don’t express my feelings, I won’t be rejected. If I take care of everyone else, they’ll need me. If I stay small, no one will attack me. Those strategies may have helped us survive when we’re children, but they sort of limit us as adults.
I think of the author, she brings out a story that when she was young, when she was 10 years old, how she would always out in public, she would always try to avoid people as far as bumping into people because she always felt unseen. And then a friend of hers or actually a friend of her sister came to live with them. And the friend told her to lift your head up and focus on it. And she said, “Focus on a straight line while you’re out in public and just walk down that line.” And she said she tried that while out in public, while in a mall. And what she found was this. Instead of her previously trying to avoid being bumped and avoid interaction and people bumping like a pinball machine, what she felt that was this, that if she held her head up and just walked in that straight line, guess what?
People moved out of her way.
People moved out of her way because she was no longer thinking small, but she was thinking in a sense that I have a place and people must recognize that I am here. Just like I see other people and I must recognize that they are here as well. So what are some of the common survival identities? And actually, let me go back just a minute because one thing that really came up as I was hearing her story, a thing that was coming up as far as my own personal story that was similar was in the sense that I remember as a kid, I was always smiling. I was always smiling. And because I always smile, people say, “Why are you always smiling? Why are you always smiling?” And after a while, you begin to think there’s something wrong with smiling.
So I began to stop smiling because I didn’t want to be talked about. So I stopped smiling. And so then somehow along the way in life, people began to ask, “Why don’t you ever smile?” And as I grew and as I began to think about it, I stopped being my authentic self when I was a kid, when I was smiling. And I began to take on a different mask because I did not want people to talk about me. I wanted to be accepted. I thought there was something wrong because somebody said society was telling me or people, I should say, some people in society was telling me something wrong with you always smiling.
So I sort of reverted back to my old self, my authentic self, and I began to smile again. I began to smile again, realizing that it was okay for me to smile. I don’t have to play small just so you can feel big. So there are strategies, some common survival identities that you might be able to relate to, some common survival identities you might be able to relate to. The people pleaser. This is the person that always lives for approval and has difficulty in saying no and believe love must be earned. Another survival identity is the caretaker who wants to solve everyone’s problems and neglect their own personal needs.
And then you have the controller who tries to manage every outcome and finds it difficult to trust. And then you have the invisible person. And I think the author sort of found herself as being the invisible person. Avoids attention, hides opinions and gifts. Once again, as I… I’m so glad I have grown spiritually because once again, I sort of have found myself in various categories. Afraid to say no because it might hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t care about saying no anymore. If I’m saying no for my authentic self or hiding my opinions or my gifts.
We were given gifts for a reason. Why am I hiding my gifts? So I try at every opportunity to expres my gifts. But these were part of survival identities that we have probably all have experienced at some point in our growth. So as we are healing, healing ask, who am I beneath the mask? Healing is not about creating a new identity. It’s about releasing the identities that fear created and remembering that I am a divine expression of God. I don’t have to create a new identity. All I need to do is express my true identity and release all the other identities that I took on because of fear, because of other people’s opinions or maybe some opinions that I had that I picked up. So healing is about not creating a new identity, but just living from my true identity. So what are some signs of authentic living?
I speak my truth with love. I allow myself to be seen. I stop performing for acceptance.
Hempfield says, “When we allow ourselves to be authentic is from there that we can be known.” She says, “Authenticity is the root of vulnerability, of intimacy, of relationship.” She says, “When we can take off our mask, we invite others to do the same. When I take off this mask that I am wearing, I can also invite others to be the same. When I begin to live from my authentic self, from my real self, then I can also invite others to be the same.” Sometimes you just have to sit down with yourself and sit down with others and say, “Let’s just be real. Let’s just be real. Let’s have some real talk. Let’s remove the fear. Let’s remove all the opinions and let’s just talk from our what? Authentic selves.
We can put down that survival identity. Because the truth about that survival identity is your survival identity may have protected you yesterday, but your authentic identity is what will transform your tomorrow. I’m looking for transformation. So the only way that I can really experience true transformation is not for me to continue to live from that survival identity, but the only way for me to experience true transformation is for me to live from my authentic self. When? Today. Today. And then there’s this thing called boundaries, this thing called boundaries where we honor and protect our sacred selves. We all have boundaries, don’t we? We all have boundaries. Hempfield says this about boundaries. She says,” Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. “That was powerful. That was probably the most powerful thing I picked up from the read. And the chapter I primarily worked on was working with is remapping relationships.
But that was so, so powerful. She says,” Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. “And she tells the story about her relationship with her father. And she had not spoken to her father for a good 10 years. And then she decided to call her father one day. And she went to meet her father. And when she told her fathers, her father seemed happy that she called and they arranged this meeting and they went and they had breakfast together. And during the course of breakfast, they never brought up what had happened for them to have this disconnect over the past 10 years. So everything during breakfast was fine. And then towards the end of breakfast, the father brought up the mother. And at that point, the father was saying some things about the mother and Hempfield said that at that point, her body began to change.
Everything began to change.
I want to read something about the book concerning that. She says this. She says,” At the end of the meal, my father got too comfortable and started in on my mother and their relationship. “She says,” I felt myself begin to brace. My breathing shallowed and my chest that had started to soften harden again. I was trying to keep his words out of me. My body was communicating my limit. I decided to leave. I have found the point where I would need to compromise my own care in order to stay. Let me just read a little bit more. I’m going to go back to that. She says, “These are boundaries when we decide the shape and the nature of our relationships, when we are not forced into closeness because of expectations or history, but we choose according to our comfort. We get to move forward with the knowledge of our history following a path of our own making.
I framed boundaries as love when I first wrote the phrase because that was the measure for me. And what distance could I maintain care for both my father and me? Because despite the pain, I found that I loved him.” So boundaries are not about control. They are a way of resetting power dynamics and relationships of restoring our sense of agency and choice. Maybe most important boundaries are how we shelter our authenticity, our real selves and how they are essential as we build relationship with one another.
So I’m going to go back to her quote where she says, “Boundaries are the distance in which I can love you and me simultaneously.” In other words, I can love you. And as you heard before somewhere along life’s way, you probably heard I can love you, but I can love you from a distance. You have to set boundaries for yourself to protect your own authentic self. And it’s okay. I don’t have to go around hating you no matter what our past history might be. It does mean no good to go around hating you. I’m going to continue to love you, but that does not mean that I have to sit down and have dinner with you.
I’m going to continue to love you no matter what. So we have to set healthy boundaries and healthy boundaries are not walls that keep love out. They are gates that allow love to flow wisely. Many people confuse love with limitless access and that is not true. You have to make wise decisions and know when to withdraw and know when to say no because you still have to protect your mission. A healthy boundary will say, “I matter too.” A healthy boundary will say, “My peace is valuable.” A healthy boundary will say, “My energy is sacred.” A healthy boundary will say, “Love includes wisdom.” These are healthy boundaries.
A healthy boundary will also say, “I can love you without losing myself. I can love you without losing myself. My peace is valuable. And because I know my piece is valuable and my energy is sacred, it’s important that I set these boundaries because I want to make sure that I am protecting my sacred self. I want to make sure I’m protecting my peace. I want to make sure that I’m protecting.” I tell my people all the times that I have worked years in building up my consciousness. So it’s important that you don’t bring me a whole bunch of mess because I’ve worked years in building up my consciousness. So I don’t need you bringing me stuff that’s going to take away from the work that I have invested in myself. You have invested in yourself. You have invested building up a boundary of peace for yourself.
You have invested in building up a boundary to protect your sacred self. You have worked in building a boundary to protect that sacred energy. It’s an energy that you don’t want to be disconnected from. And because you know that you don’t want to be disconnected from it, it’s important that you have a boundary to protect it.
I love you, but I love myself more. And because I love myself more, I want to make sure that I’m protecting this experience. So we have boundaries. Boundaries are an act of self-respect. When we honor the divine presence within ourselves, we teach others how to honor us as well. A friend of mine told me years ago, he says that one of the things that he does is he teach people how to treat him by the way he treats himself. And if they cannot treat him the way he treats himself, then that’s a boundary that he will set up because he does not want anything to interfere with that uplifted consciousness, with that sacred energy that he’s experiencing. So often we have to teach other people how to treat ourselves.
We teach that by showing forth as our authentic self. If I don’t express that, if I don’t say those kind of words, then you are not allowed to say those kind of words in my presence. That’s a boundary. You just can’t come into my presence and say anything. I was birthed out of love. I was birthed out of the abundance of the universe. I am peace. I am joy. If you cannot bring that same vibe, that same consciences, that same truth into my experience, then I’m not sure if we have anything to talk about. I’m going to love you because I’m connected to you.
Are we okay with that? Yes. Okay. And then let’s talk about trust. Let’s talk about trust. Building relationships from wholeness. So she talks about being authentic. She talks about boundaries and she also talks about trust. When we look at trust, when we talk about trust, trust begins inside. If I don’t trust myself, I will struggle in trusting other people. If I don’t trust myself, I will struggle in trusting other people. If I don’t trust God within, I’ll constantly seek security outside of myself. Trust is not believing people will never disappoint you. Guess what? People will disappoint you. And we will sometimes what? Disappoint ourselves. But trust is believing that whatever happens, God within us is enough. Whatever happens, the divine within me is enough. Whatever happens, I can always turn to God within me and knowing that the God within me, knowing that from the source of my divinity, I can overcome anything.
I can be led in the right direction. But trust is believing that whatever happens, no matter what happens, the God within me will make sure that I am safe, will make sure that I am protected, will make sure that I am love, will make sure that joy and peace brought into my experience, but trust is the key. And there’s three levels of trust. Trust God. Knowing divine wisdom is always guiding your life. Trust yourself. Believe in your intuition, your values and your inner wisdom. Let me just go a little bit further on this. Trust yourself.
We really have to get ourselves into the position of scripture says, it says, “Know thyself.” We all have intuition. The intuition that we have is the God within us, the divine telling us what we need to do, where we need to go, how we need to do it. Too often we ignore that intuition thinking that it is something else. I want us to begin to stop ignoring the intuition and understand that it’s not something else, but it is God within you telling you all that you need to know in that moment of time. I have ignored intuition too often over the years where now I try to pay more and more attention to my intuition, knowing that is the still small voice within me, knowing that that is God within me telling me what I need to do, where I need to go, where I need to stay, who I need to be around or what it is that I need to do.
Trust yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your authentic self. Work with yourself to the point where I trust my authentic self, knowing that this intuition is nothing but God speaking to me and telling me what it is I need to know when, right now as I close. Want to return to the central question. What will my life be like if I was authentically myself in every relationship? Perhaps I would stop seeking approval. Perhaps I would communicate honestly. Perhaps I would protect my peace without guilt. Perhaps I would trust my God given wisdom. Perhaps I would love others without abandoning myself. So when authenticity shapes our identity, boundaries protect our peace and trust anchors our relationships. We no longer live from old wounds. We live from spiritual wholeness. Let’s turn within right now.
We give thanks right now that in this moment we can trust that the divine is doing a marvelous and wonderful work in and through us. And that it’s okay that we can live from our authentic selves. And there’ It’s okay that we can create boundaries to protect our authentic selves and it’s okay that we can love wherever we are and we can love others wherever they are. We give thanks for this awareness knowing that wherever we are, God is. So the wisdom of God, the love of God, the peace of God is right where we are and wherever we go. And the same love, the same wisdom, the same peace is available for everyone. And we want everyone to experience it just as we are experiencing it. We trust ourselves. We trust God and we move and we live according to this trust in God and in our authentic selves.
Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you God. And so it is. Amen.