with Rev. Aimee Daniels
This video features the Sunday “talk” only. Watch the full service on our Facebook page.
DESCRIPTION
Embracing imperfection is not just a psychological shift but a powerful catalyst for spiritual evolution. Join us as we explore the notion that imperfection is not something to be feared or avoided but embraced as an essential aspect of our spiritual journey. Learn how courage, compassion and connection can support you on your journey.
TRANSCRIPTION
This transcription was auto-generated, please excuse typos, errors and omissions.
Rev. Aimee Daniels (00:02):
I think Typhanie was in my head when she picked that song. We’re going to be talking about resilience the next few months, and part of the intention of that is that what I’m noticing with a lot of people right now is they have a lot of underlying anxiety because of everything that’s going on in the world. For us to say centered in spite of that is very important, especially with the divisiveness in the country right now. I think the energy of that could get magnified through the election. And I think for us to hold our spiritual center, we need to focus on maintaining our own resilience. So that’s why we picked this topic and that song was not only beautiful but perfect. So I’m going to begin with this story.
(00:59):
I know I’m going back to my childhood here. So once upon a time in a tranquil farm yard, there was a mother duckling who was waiting for the arrival of her new babies. And as she watched them hatch, she was so proud. They were so little and cute as they emerged from their shell. But there was one egg that looked very different. It was a large egg. It was a different color. And as the little duckling struggled to get out, it came out and it was a different color. And to the mother it was really quite ugly and it was clumsy and it was large. And all the animals in the farm yard were making fun of this little duckling that was ugly. So the duckling felt really dejected and unwanted. And so it decided to go out in the world on its own. And it went around and it continued to have this experience of people picking on it, telling it it was ugly. But then over time it began to transform and it turned into a beautiful black swan. And one day in its wanderings, it came upon a bunch of other swans and they welcomed him and he began to embrace who he was and he was happy and his life changed.
(02:35):
Anybody else ever feel like you were the black swan in the family? Maybe the black sheep if you were in my family, that was my brother though, not me. And so we can all feel different and when we feel different, we can make up the story that we need to be perfect. And perfectionism. What’s the belief underneath perfectionism? If I’m not perfect, I’m not good. If I’m not perfect, people aren’t going to like me. And it’s an idea that we were either maybe taught by the behavior of our parents or it might be an idea we made up ourself to cope with what was going on around us. And maybe the word perfect doesn’t resonate with you, but maybe there’s some other version of that in your life, that part of your life where you judge yourself that you should be different than you are.
(03:29):
And when we think we’re not perfect or whatever we might call our thing, we have feelings of shame and judgment and blame. And I’ll tell you, I’ve never really related to the word shame, but I was reading what Brene says about it, and I kind of get it in a different way now. She says, shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. And she tells this story in the book about going to speak in a school, and she walks in its parents, she walks in and she just picked up like that. There was a really strange vibe happening. And she says to the principal What’s going on? And the principal’s like nothing. And so she gets up to speak and the principal says something like, you’re not going to like what you hear, but you need to hear what Brene has to say because it’s going to help you raise your children properly or something to that effect.
(04:40):
And so she gets up there and she’s encountering this energy coming toward her that is really negative. And there was one person in particular sitting probably right where you are, and she could just feel like his venom coming toward her. And she said, normally I would’ve been smart enough to just recognize what was happening and maybe even to call it out and say, Hey, I’m noticing that something’s going on here. But she didn’t do that. She decided she was going to try to please the person sitting right here. And her talk didn’t go well. She ended up leaving and she ran out of the building as fast as she could. She got her stuff. She ran out of the building and she got in the car and she noticed that her face was red and her heartbeat was up, and she was starting to have obsessive thinking.
(05:41):
And I think we can all do that sometimes. I wouldn’t have called that shame. I wouldn’t have known that was the word for it. I understand the thoughts that come up in me, and I’m sure you understand the thoughts that come up in you, but I wouldn’t have named that shame. So when we have similar experiences, what happens to us is we lose our perspective, we lose our perspective. If she had been in a better place, she might’ve said, oh, they’ve got something going on. It’s not about me. But what happened instead, which is what happens to us is we go into our judging place in our head and we might go into our negative.
(06:23):
And what we’re called to do when this happens is to practice courage, to reach out and step into authenticity and to speak to our experience. When we do this, we want to reach out to someone who has earned the right to be the listener of us. I’m going to talk more about this in a second, but somebody who we know is going to treat us with compassion, who isn’t going to judge us because when we can get that connection, then it’s healing to us because we all came in. Think about as a little person, you come in and you’re connected to everything and our connection to others feeds us. So when we’re having an experience like that, it’s important for us to reach out to, we might say, a safe listener.
(07:17):
And so we want to embrace our imperfection, our shame can’t survive being shared. So when we speak into whatever we feel ashamed about, then it releases it. But shame things we’re embarrassed about. If you don’t like the word shame, loves secrecy. The problem with secrecy is then it’s getting fed within us because we’re not sharing it with anyone. So we’re carrying it and we all have lots of different stories we carry around in our life. Some of them are good about ourselves, some of them are less complimentary of ourselves or about others, but I want you to focus on your own story right now. How do you get related to your story? There’s lots of ways to do it. Journaling is a very good way to do it. Working with a practitioner or just find a friend and find a friend who doesn’t feel your shame for you, isn’t going to judge you, isn’t going to try to fix you or make it better, isn’t going to try to one up you.
(08:29):
Well, you know what happened to me, just someone who’s going to sit there and listen with empathy and compassion and accept you for your strengths and your struggles. That’s what we all want. We want to be accepted. Eckhart Toll tells a story. I think it’s in a new earth. It’s in one of his books about his neighbor knocking on his door at 11 o’clock at night, and she’s really wound up and she walks in the house and she’s got all these papers and she’s going on and on about these people doing this to her. And I can tell you her background, she happened to be a Holocaust survivor and she’d probably had a lot of stories in her life or things, experiences in her life where she felt like people were against her. So she’s going on and on. Eckhart is just listening to her.
(09:18):
And the problem was she didn’t think the place they lived was doing their job, so she wasn’t paying them. And so she was facing eviction. That was the story. So in the middle of all of it, she’s telling her story, he’s listening with empathy. She looks at him, she goes, this really isn’t important, is it? It’s not important. He goes, no, it’s not important. And so the next day she goes home, the next day she says to him, I don’t know what you did to me, but I feel the best that I have in years. And this is what happens for us when we let go of our story, we’re freed up. And so that’s why we want to own our story. And if you’re judging yourself because of your story, something that hasn’t worked out the way you wanted to just add, I like to say this, I’ve said this before. You’ve heard it, just add the words. Until now, this was my experience until now. That doesn’t have to be my experience going forward because principle is not bound by precedent as we always say. So the past does not dictate the future. So how do we embrace our imperfection?
(10:32):
Think about people you love and the flaws of the people you love. Doesn’t that in some way make them more lovable? We all have our quirks. And if you think about it, I don’t know if you’ve had this experience. My oldest brother died eight years ago, and the thing about him that was so great was all the little quirky things he did, it made him him, right? Some people might’ve said some of them were flaws, but it made him who he is. It made him actually more lovable. That’s how our flaws are because it’s really hard to be in relationship with someone who’s perfect and presents themselves as perfect, isn’t it? It’s okay if you’re not perfect. It’s okay if you have flaws, but you need to love yourself through them. They don’t make you more or less. In fact, spiritually we say you’re already whole, perfect and complete.
(11:24):
And that’s the truth of you. You are already whole, perfect and complete. The flaws are part of the human experience. And honestly, they’re there for your growth. They’re there to lead you to your greater yet to be. We don’t think about ’em that way, but they are. And recognize that your flaws can contribute to your authenticity because it actually allows you to connect to other people. When you really deeply share of yourself and going on with you with another human being, don’t you notice that you feel more connected to them? Or if someone does you the honor of sharing with you what’s going on with them, don’t you feel more connected to them? It’s really at the core of it. So in the gifts of imperfection, Brene Brown says, and this is what Gordon read to us, but she talks about wholehearted living. So I just want to point out a couple words in this quote. The first word is worthiness. Worthiness. That’s really the invitation. You are worthy simply because you are. Whatever your idea is of how we got created spirit, God, the universe. You’re worthy simply because you were created from this presence and power. You don’t have to prove you’re worthy. We live in a society that will convince you. You have to prove you’re worthy. But the truth is you’re already worthy because you were created as a unique expression of spirit. Spirit, period. End of story.
(13:04):
And I want to focus on a few other words in here. This is what we’re going to talk about today, these things that are going to lead you through your journey. So this is a process just as all of our life is a process of evolving. And the three tools for the journey are courage, compassion, and connection. So let’s talk about that courage. Brene says, courage is the willingness to show up and be seen even when faced with uncertainty. And the root of the word courage in Latin is the heart. And in its earliest form, the word courage actually meant to speak one’s mind by telling one’s heart, isn’t that beautiful? But over time, this definition changed to being heroic and courage. As Brene calls, ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line, which can be really hard for us.
(14:08):
And why do we need to do this? We all probably have examples of when we were vulnerable and we weren’t accepted or it didn’t go well. And I was thinking about in my life, what are the conversations I have had in my life that really required a lot of courage? And one of ’em was when I decided to tell my former husband I wasn’t happy. And we had been in therapy, he walked out six or eight months earlier and said, I am sorry if I don’t agree with you, I’m never going to see your point of view. And he wouldn’t go back. But I kept going because I said, I’ll be honest and say, I felt a little broken. I’m like, WTF, right? What is happening? Why did he get married to me if he doesn’t want to work on our marriage? But my friends had been confronting me and saying, you need to tell the truth.
(15:06):
Now. I’m a pleaser and avoider by nature. And so for me to tell the truth was really hard to say, I’m not happy. And the conversation didn’t go well. He said, I don’t care if you’re not happy, like okay, and well, we’re not together anymore. So you know where that story ends. But that took a lot of courage to have that conversation. So I want you to think in your life right now, where is your life calling you to courage? It could be a conversation you need to have. It could be something completely different. It could be that you want to step out in the world in a different way in your work, and it feels scary because people might criticize you or have an opinion about what you ought to be doing instead. But it’s really about expressing your heart in the world, what you feel called to in your heart.
(16:05):
And there’s a lot of great examples of people who had an amazing amount of courage. Think about Helen Keller. She couldn’t see or hear, and she was an author, a lecturer, and an activist because she saw a bigger possibility for her life. Think about Rosa Parks. Rosa Parks was active in civil rights for a long time before she decided to not stand up on that bus. A lot of people don’t know that. They act like it was a random thing and she was just tired. But she had this calling in her heart to express courage by an act of civil disobedience. I think that’s what they call it, but she embraced that. So what is calling you to step into something new? Another story I thought of when I was prepping for the talk. I did the landmark forum a long time ago, probably almost 25 years ago.
(16:55):
Has anybody ever done that? Okay, so one of the things that they encourage you to do, I can’t remember if it’s the first or second course, is to pick up the phone and have a conversation that you haven’t had, that you need to have in your life. And one of the gentlemen in the room happened to be a young man. He happened to be gay and he was Muslim and his family, because of his religion, he wasn’t out. And so this young man went out and called his mom really touching just to think about it today. He went and called his mom and said, mom, I haven’t been honest with you. I’m gay, and I don’t know if that’s okay because of our faith. And his mom said, I love you, and I’ve wondered. And then she said, is your roommate your partner? And so it turned into this very wonderful conversation, but he had to have the courage to have that conversation.
(17:56):
And for me, that epitomizes courage because that would be a hard conversation to have. And so I have a few quotes up here. I’m not actually going to go through ’em, but you could take a picture if you like ’em. But courage, what are you called for or called to? So the next tool is compassion. What do we mean when we say compassion? The ability to extend kindness and understanding to ourselves and others. The root of that word means to suffer with. And Brene’s done a lot of research. If you’re not familiar with her work, she has a brilliant TED talk out there on vulnerability. If you haven’t watched it, I recommend it. And she became famous accidentally because of that TED talk. But she has found that our first response to pain, whether it’s ours or someone else’s, is to protect to self-protect. And what does that look like?
(18:56):
That might look like wanting to blame someone. It might look like projecting. It might look like judgment, or it might look like we go into fix it mode because we can’t be with whatever’s going on. And I like PEMA Children’s teaching on this. If we’re experiencing the need to self-protect, then we need to be honest with ourselves about that. And we need to be forgiving about when we shut down. We need to forgive ourselves for shutting down. And then really, compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. So if someone comes to you and they’re hurting, you’re not like the hero trying to take care of the victim. You’re there to partner with them in that. And that’s really the energy you’re looking to mirror. And if you are seeking someone to be a hearing for what you have going on, it’s not a lesser or greater.
(20:04):
It’s like, no, we’re two humans having the experience of connecting with each other. And Pema says, compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. And I like what Tek not Han says, compassion is a verb. I really love that. So when we have compassion for ourselves, it allows us to cultivate our resilience. And the other thing that’s important about being compassionate is sometimes we can think it’s not okay to set a boundary when we’re being compassionate, but actually Brene tells us that part of being a compassionate person is to have our own boundaries. And so that’s an important thing to consider as well. So we’re going to do a little meditation together at the end, but I want to talk for a few minutes about what you can do to cultivate your self-compassion. And this is from the work of Tara Brock. She’s got some wonderful work about self-compassion, but we want to recognize and befriend the inner critic, and we can use mindfulness meditation, which we’re going to do in a few minutes to observe just the thoughts you’re having about yourself in a nonjudgmental way, just sort of letting them drift away.
(21:31):
We can also use a loving kindness meditation and we can send wellbeing and compassion to our self and to others.
(21:42):
So let’s talk about connection and defining what connection is. Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. And isn’t that what we’re all going for? To be seen, heard, and valued? And when there’s an exchange in the relationship of giving and receiving without judgment, and that’s when we get our strength from the relationship, for lack of a better word. It’s a safe space. And we’re all wired for connection biologically. We come in with that. Think about a baby and how the baby wants to be held. My dog, he’s wired for connection, but we do have an inherent need for it. And when we have authentic connections with others, then we feel nourished. We feel a sense of worthiness, and it fosters a deeper understanding, not just of ourselves, but of others. So that’s what we’re going for in our connections.
(22:50):
That’s why community is important, which is one of the sad things about the world today. Being on your phone is not being in community. It’s not the same thing as having a conversation with a person. It really isn’t. And the key to our resilience is inner peace. This is a quote from Deepak Chopra. I changed it. I didn’t like his words, but kind of bringing in the whole, I left his word in there, but I changed it because our most important task is to transform our consciousness. And I changed his word violence to discord. I didn’t relate to the word violence, so that discord is no longer an option for us in our personal lives. If you think about being authentic and vulnerable, you’re not allowing discord to fester. You’re speaking your truth. And that understanding that a world of peace is possible only if we relate to others as peaceful beings, one individual at a time, which is really what our beautiful music team sang in the song.
(23:59):
It all comes back to one. So when we cultivate our own wholehearted living, we are making a space within ourselves to embrace that oneness with all beings. And it’s important to remember, it’s a journey and a practice. It’s a process. We’re going to have moments where we’re like, oh, I’m so one. I feel so connected. And we’re going to have moments where we’re on our own island, and it’s all fine. It’s just part of this human journey. So a few little bits of homework before we go into a meditation together. And Greg, you might want to come up and piano me.
(24:36):
I really want to encourage you this week to embrace your imperfection as a catalyst for cultivating your sense of worthiness, to really notice where you judge yourself as being imperfect and practice these three things we talked about today, courage, compassion, and connection in your daily life, and especially practicing loving kindness to yourself and practice affirming. This is from Louise Hand. I’m going to have you read it out loud along with me. I’m worthy of love and acceptance just as I am. So we’re going to say that three times out loud. I want it to get louder three times. Are you ready? I’m worthy of love and acceptance just as I am. I’m worthy of love and acceptance just as I am. I’m worthy of love and acceptance just as I am. So I just invite you to turn within into a quiet place. And you might want to place your hands on your heart and just breathe in, breathing in and out, just connecting with your heart and bring your awareness to your breath, to the sensation of breathing in and breathing out. Notice how your breath nourishes your body and bring your awareness to any physical sensations.
(26:30):
Just notice any tension in your body, any discomfort, and just acknowledge it without any judgment. Just let it be what it is. Let it be where it is. And if you have any thoughts that are coming up, just notice any thoughts that are arising saying in your mind, whether they’re positive or negative or neutral. And just allow them to come and go like clouds passing through the sky without getting caught up in them. And as you begin to observe your thoughts and your emotions, begin to cultivate a sense of deep compassion for yourself. Just remind yourself that it’s okay to experience difficult thoughts and feelings. You’re only human. And just say to yourself, may I be kind to myself in the moment. Say it again in your mind. Say, may I be kind to myself in the moment. Oh, and just with each breath in, just continue to nurture feelings of self-compassion and acceptance within yourself. Know your own worthiness simply because you are, because spirit created you, because the divine lives in you. It is you. And allow these feelings to fill your heart and radiate through your entire being and just feeling this beautiful vibration of love
(29:12):
And connection. Just send out that energy to the world. Just knowing that’s the truth of your being and knowing that as you embrace it, you share it with everyone around you. It’s contagious in the most beautiful way.
(29:33):
And I just know in this moment that we are surrounded and supported in this love, that this love is the truth, our being that it’s expressing in as in through you, in isn’t through me. In isn’t through all of us. And I know and proclaim a deep and profound sense of worthiness is rising within you. That you are more than enough, that you are already whole, perfect, and complete. And that the spirit which created you is guiding you forward into your greater yet to be. And I know for each of us that we embrace courage, we embrace connection, we embrace compassion, and that we allow life to be all the good that it is. We see the good. We are the good. We feel the good. We share the good. This is what I say yes to, and I’m so grateful for this. And so it is. I invite you to slowly bring your attention back into the room. And when you’re ready, gently open your eyes. And I just invite you to take a moment to look around the room and maybe connect with someone else. Just connect with them and witness them and see the beauty of them. And just realize that we are all connected.